EXPECTATIONS I HAVE FACED

I would like to share some of the expectations I have faced to shine a light on what has shaped my point of view.  

By far, the one life-shattering event that transformed my life in so many ways was my divorce from my boyfriend/husband of 19 years.  He was my first real boyfriend, and I expected that we would always be together.

Leading up to our separation were years of losing myself while trying to save him from feeling “crippled by the weight of [his] own impulses and emotions,” and years of us both trying to adjust to meet the other person’s needs, only to find that drove us further apart.  

I expected that if I only loved harder, supported more, gave whatever I could of myself, he would see in himself what I saw in him, and I expected that I could make him “happy”.  

I expected that I would get pregnant on my time frame and with no complications.  I found out it would take over three years, multiple fertility treatments, countless pregnancy tests (the longest three minutes in any woman’s life), utilitarian sex, two miscarriages, a D&C, and nine months of living in complete dread that I would find blood every time I went to the bathroom.

I’ve expected each professional job that I’ve started, to be the one, and every time I start to feel restless in it, I start to believe that I am failing somehow. That if only I can change my attitude about this or that, all of a sudden I will be content. That I only need to be patient, and whatever I am tolerating at the moment will get better.

I’ve expected others to treat me with the same honesty, loyalty, and integrity that I have extended to them.  You can imagine how this turns out most of the time. And each time I have been disappointed, I have built a wall to protect myself.  I am working on bringing those walls down.

I expected that I would be single for a long time following my divorce.  For the brief time I was single, I was perfectly content, but fate stepped in and said nope, here’s your husband.  

My husband and I had an instant, undeniable connection. And if I would have listened to my expectations telling me that this was a rebound relationship, that I was not thinking straight, that I needed to be careful, I would have missed out on more than I can explain in words.

Now, every day, I work toward living Gary John Bishop’s assertion of, “I expect nothing and accept everything.” (You’ll have to read his book to find out what he really means by that.)

As an example, in 2018, my husband kicked cancer’s ass but not without a lot of gut wrenching phone calls, hard days, doctor’s visits, chemo and radiation treatments, hospital stays, surgeries, etc.  Only this time, when I received the news, I really didn’t feel surprised or like my world was collapsing.

Now don’t get me wrong, I had my moments. But I was able to keep coming back to my new expectation, or acceptance, that today is all we have.  

I kept saying to myself (and others) that there was never any guarantee he was going to be here tomorrow in the first place.  Really, that hadn’t changed. And I expected that whatever happened, I would be able to handle it, and I would go on to keep living a great life.

I expressed this to my husband soon after his diagnosis, and I hope it took some of the burden off of him, his expectation that he had to be strong for me and take care of me.