Benefits: Gain an awareness of the defense mechanisms your ego uses.
So That You Can: Recognize when your ego is taking control of your actions.
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Is That Your Ego Talking? How to Know
Who are you? The part of your mind that answers this question is your ego. And the answer your ego offers has a direct effect on your ability to realize your full potential.
Your ego might tell you; I’m an accountant – a nurse – a mechanic – or whatever your profession is.
Or, your ego might tell you; I’m a mom – a dad – a sister – a brother – or whatever role it is you play within your family.
Maybe your ego tells you; I’m rich – I’m poor – I’m skinny – I’m fat – I’m ambitious – I’m lazy – and on and on.
In each of these scenarios, who’s in control of your identity? And who’s in control of the resulting actions you’ll take based on the expectations you, and society, have for that identity? Your ego of course!
Do you really want your ego to have complete control over such important aspects of your life? Probably not, especially if you want to realize your full potential.
So, today, we’re going to start balancing the scales of control! Ultimately, we want to share control with our egos so that, together, we can work toward the best possible outcome in any given situation. And, we can achieve this balance of control by fully integrating our egos into our consciousness.
Now, I’m pretty sure the goal I just outlined is unachievable because the desires that drive our egos are buried deep in our unconscious minds. However, I’m also pretty sure that we can work toward:
- Recognizing when our egos are talking to us, and then
- Choosing whether or not we are going to let our egos take control of our actions.
How the heck are we going to accomplish this feat? By discussing:
- What the purpose of your ego is,
- Some of the defense mechanisms your ego employs to protect itself,
- And then drilling down on 3 defense mechanisms that should be pretty easy to recognize for Deliberate Thinkers like us.
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Your Ego’s M.O.
Your ego has some serious responsibilities that can make its life, and yours, pretty complicated. Maybe you already know that it’s in charge of your identity, but did you know that your ego’s also in charge of shaping the way that you view and interact with the world? That’s a pretty heavy burden to bear.
Why has your ego taken on such burdens? To protect you! And help you survive. (Plus, it wasn’t given a choice in the matter ?)
Once you realize that your ego is hardwired to help you survive, it’s much easier to work with your ego toward a common goal.
Before we leave this section and move on to talking about ego’s defense mechanisms, let’s make extra sure that we have a good understanding of ego.
The official definition of ego, from the American Psychological Association, is:
1) The self, particularly the conscious sense of self . . . the individual’s attitudes, values, and concerns. [Your identity]
2) . . . the component of the personality that deals with the external world and its practical demands. More specifically, the ego enables the individual to perceive, reason, solve problems, test reality, and adjust instinctual impulses . . . [Your protector]
In another post that I wrote**, I described ego as:
. . . your intellectual, logical voice. Your voice of reason if you will. The voice that plans, predicts, and keeps you on the straight and narrow so you don’t get hurt.
However, all of this planning and predicting can turn Ego into a negative, anxious, stressed-out voice. In this state, Ego will start telling you that you aren’t good enough or that you don’t have enough.
On top of that, ego does her very best to make sure you remember who you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to do. . . .
Ego thinks she’s in charge of your identity, and she takes this responsibility seriously. She’s there if you start forgetting who you’re supposed to be and will step in to say, ‘Who do you think you are? Get back in your place!’
** This post goes into more detail about ego, and I’ll share a link to it at the end of this post.
Okay, that should give us a pretty good baseline from which we can gain an understanding of ego’s defense mechanisms.
Don’t Be So Defensive
I’m sure you’ve heard these words before; maybe you’ve even spoken them on occasion. So you have some experience with recognizing defense mechanisms, and you probably know that they allow us to avoid pain and deal with uncertainty, temporarily. Maybe you’ve even heard that our defenses are an unconscious reaction, meaning that we have limited to no control over them.
But we’re going to challenge that theory today! I think we can learn to tame ego’s defense mechanisms if we become more aware of what they are and what triggers them, i.e. when our egos are talking to us.
We’re going to begin gaining this awareness by discussing 6 defense mechanisms that I’ve learned about so far, and then we’ll drill down on 3 more, as I mentioned above. But there are several others out there in Psychological Theory Land, so be sure to Stay Curious and learn a bit more on your own.
- Denial – Consciously refusing to accept the truth or reality of a painful event, or convincing yourself that a bad situation doesn’t exist.
- Repression – Similar to denial, but a bit different because you don’t deny that the event occurred; you just refuse to consciously think about it. You unconsciously suppress the painful memories and thoughts.
- Projection – (1) Projecting your own insecurities — in regard to feelings, characteristics, or personality traits — onto someone else. For example, you call someone stupid because you feel stupid in that moment. (2) Or, attributing your unacceptable behaviors to someone else. For example, you accuse someone of cheating on you because you are cheating on them.
- Reaction formation – Exhibiting an over-the-top reaction that is contrary to the way you actually feel to avoid conflict or because you don’t want to admit your true feelings. For example, you’re really angry with someone because they’re late, but, to avoid conflict, you go out of your way to make sure they know that it’s not a problem because you’re always late too (but you’re really not).
- Regression – The process of regressing back to childhood methods of expressing emotion — tantrums, whining, stomping — in order to push your responsibilities away or because you feel like you have no control over the situation at hand. Regression can also include returning to coping strategies you used as a child, such as sleeping with a favorite stuffed animal.
- Compensation – Covering up your perceived shortcomings by displaying actions or traits that are meant to create an illusion. This illusion then overshadows whatever you are insecure about. For example, you flaunt the beautiful pictures of you and your spouse on vacation to cover up the fact that you’re insecure in your marriage.
Time to Drill Down
While it’s good to have a general understanding of the most common defense mechanisms your ego employs, we need to focus on just a few if you really want to practice recognizing when your ego is talking to you. Trying to recognize all nine is just too overwhelming.
And what does your ego do when a task is overwhelming? It will start finding reasons, or excuses, to convince you that you shouldn’t attempt that task. Which is exactly what we’re going to talk about next . . .
Rationalization
Rationalization occurs when you use false reasoning to get what you want or to explain away your behavior. Basically, you find a way to justify your actions and behaviors so that they seem more socially acceptable. In the process, you cover up the real reason behind your actions.
Why would your ego make excuses for your behavior and create a false reality? To protect your identity by creating the illusion that you haven’t strayed too far from your values. Plus, rationalization helps to alleviate the guilt you might otherwise feel.
And, last but not least, rationalization helps you hide your true feelings when something painful happens to you. For example, a friend stands you up for your coffee date, and you start to feel sad, disappointed, confused, etc. Your ego will kick in and start rationalizing your friend’s behavior — “She’s just really busy right now.” And maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid. Yet, you will push them aside to be dealt with another day (or not).
Have you already identified some times when your ego defended itself with rationalization? Maybe it was the time you:
- Cheated on your taxes because the government’s just going to waste the money anyway.
- Lied to your partner about something because the truth would hurt them too much.
- Didn’t get that job that you really wanted and said, “Well, I didn’t really want it anyway.”
Maybe you can even identify an action that you took today. Once you’ve identified at least one of your rationalizations, let’s move on to the next defense mechanism . . .
Displacement
Displacement occurs when you transfer actions or behaviors away from the intended target onto an unrelated, and less threatening, target. Basically, you take your feelings out on someone who had nothing to do with the situation that caused the feelings to begin with.
Why would your ego try to harm an innocent target? Because you need to release your emotions, and your ego wants you to do it in a way that results in the least amount of harm to you (at least in the moment). Plus, it can feel very satisfying — again, in the moment.
We use displacement when we lack the interpersonal skills to handle the circumstance we’re faced with. And, we use it when we’re afraid that a confrontation with the intended target is a threat to us somehow.
So let’s identify some times when your ego defended itself with displacement. Maybe it was the time you:
- Were really mad at your boss, but you didn’t want to confront him/her because you were afraid of losing your job. So, instead, you came home and yelled at your spouse for leaving their shoes in front of the door because the chances of getting a divorce seemed more remote (less threatening) than the chances of losing your job.
- Were really hurt that your friend didn’t invite you to a party, but you didn’t want to confront him/her because you were afraid of losing the friendship. So, instead, you yell at your employee, or a co-worker, for asking you a simple question because the chances of that employee/co-worker quitting seemed more remote than the chances of losing your friend.
- Found out your partner was lying to you about something, but you didn’t want to confront him/her because you were afraid of splitting up. So, instead, you threw your shoe across the room, beat up a pillow, or slammed a plate onto the counter, breaking it into pieces. All of which had fewer immediate consequences than addressing the lie.
Once you’ve identified at least one time your ego used displacement, we’ll discuss the last defense mechanism . . .
Sublimation
I saved sublimation for last because it’s a tricky one. Sublimation occurs when you redirect unacceptable desires through socially acceptable channels. Basically, you take the energy created by painful feelings and/or circumstances you have faced and redirect that energy toward a positive, and productive, behavior.
I love this explanation from Practical Psychology. Maybe you can spot the reason I love it:
[Sublimation is undertaking a] constructive activity to meet unfulfilled EXPECTATIONS.
Were you able to spot the reason I love this explanation? ?
Why would your ego want to redirect your energy? It’s yet another trick your ego uses to keep your painful feelings, and your socially unacceptable urges, thoughts, and impulses, out of your conscious awareness. In this way, your ego is protecting you from any further harm that could result if you acted upon these thoughts and feelings. A simple example is, you focus your aggressive urges toward becoming a great athlete so that you don’t use them in an unacceptable way.
I labeled sublimation as a “tricky one” because it’s the only defense mechanism that tends to create positive and productive behaviors. But . . . those behaviors can easily transform into obsessive behaviors that end up isolating you from others. And, we all know that we need healthy relationships to meet our love/belonging need so that we can realize our full potential. (Have no idea what I’m talking about? Check out this post: A Practical Introduction to the Power of Intentional Living)
Sublimation really hits home for me because I recognize that it’s a defense mechanism I employ quite often, and I’ve also been on the receiving end of the compulsive behaviors it can create. So, I’ll give you some real examples from my life that might help you identify when your ego has gone into sublimation mode.
- I’m sure that sublimation played a role in helping me create this organization. I’ve suffered many disappointments and have dealt with many unmet expectations in my life — just like we all have. I could have allowed those experiences to create resentment and bitterness within me, but, instead, sublimation kicked in and said, “No, you need to use that energy to start examining your expectations.” And that eventually led to me creating this organization.
- And, I’m sure that sublimation played a role in many of the accomplishments I’ve achieved over the years. It has pushed me to be an overachiever so that I focused my energy on self-improvement rather than all of the potentially harmful, and sometimes soul-crushing, events that were going on around me.
- During the 19-year relationship I had with my ex-husband, I was on the receiving end of the obsessive behaviors sublimation can produce on pretty much a daily basis. My ex-husband is what I would call a creative intellectual and philosopher, and he has faced many internal demons. The combination of those things is the perfect recipe for a distant, emotionally detached ego that is being guided by sublimation. And, as you can imagine, being in a relationship with him didn’t always leave me feeling very good about myself because my love/belonging need wasn’t being met. (In all fairness, I wasn’t meeting his needs either.) Now, as I reflect on it, I think sublimation played a big part in us becoming emotionally detached from each other.
Now, take a moment to identify at least one time your ego used sublimation, and then we’ll wrap this baby up.
Now What?
What do you do with all of this empowering information you’ve consumed? You start paying attention!
Yes, your defense mechanisms are triggered by your unconscious. Meaning, you have little to no control over when your ego decides to put them into play. However, I would argue that if you start paying attention and reflect on your actions, particularly the ways that you react when you are hurt, angry, or uncertain, you’ll notice patterns. And, you’ll be bringing the awareness of these patterns into your consciousness.
Once you are conscious of your behavior patterns, you can choose whether or not you’re going to let your ego take control of your actions. You can start working with your ego toward a common goal because you will have fully integrated your ego into your consciousness.
If you’re ready to get the integration started, be sure to take advantage of the worksheet I put together that will help you do just that.
Click here for more posts with a “mental health” theme.
If you’re ready to Stop Settling & Start Living! check out our home page to learn more about what The Expectation Gaps has to offer.
And until next time . . . STAY CURIOUS!
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Sources & Inspiration
9 Defense Mechanisms – Which ones fit your personality?, posted to YouTube by Practical Psychology on 7.16.19
The Ego and It’s Defense Mechanisms, posted to YouTube by Mental Health Master on 2.01.20
Displacement defense mechanism, posted to YouTube by ICHARS on 5.21.15
Defense Mechanism – Rationalization, posted to YouTube by Mutuc SarahJane on 10.26.17
What is Sublimation? (Freudian Defense Mechanism), posted to YouTube by Dr. Todd Grande on 1.31.18
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