How to Be Interdependent: My Journey Continues

Benefits: Recognize the signs of an interdependent relationship.

So That You Can: Focus on building healthy relationships.

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How to Be Interdependent: My Journey Continues

Companion Post to: How to Stop Being Codependent: My Personal Journey

In the companion post, we discussed codependency, and I related it to the way I approached my first marriage. Our goal in reading that post was to Deliberately Think about the behaviors and relationship patterns that could be harming us emotionally.

We’ve started down that road, increased our self-awareness, and discovered some of the signs of codependency. Now what?

It’s time to look at the other side of the coin — interdependence — and how I’ve approached my second marriage differently.

What is Interdependence?

I had to do a quick search to find out what the opposite relational dynamic to codependency is and found this simple definition from Darlene Lancer, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist:

. . . interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). . . . they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. . . . There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

I hadn’t heard this term before. Probably because we tend to focus on what we’re doing wrong and would like to change about ourselves. That’s okay. That’s the first step to personal growth, but then we need to focus on what we’re doing right.

That’s what we’re going to do today.

An Introduction to My Interdependent Relationship

When I met my husband, Dan, I had been separated from my first husband, Matt, for just over five months. This may not seem like a “enough” time to most people, but in that time, I had done a lot of work to make sure my next relationship would be different.

One of the first things I did was make a list of the “must have” qualities that I would need to find in my next romantic partner. I did this only a couple of weeks after Matt and I had separated. I remember thinking to myself, “This is a horrible experience, but I have a chance to do it differently next time. What do I need in a partner to make it different?”

That’s when I sat down and actually wrote out a list in the back of my diary. I realize now that this was the first time I acted as a Deliberate Thinker. And, yes, I consulted that list when I met Dan. Heck, I even showed it to him on our 2nd or 3rd date. (If you know me, this won’t surprise you ?.) I continued to go back to it often during the early stages of our relationship to make sure I was with the person I needed to be with.

Curious to know what was on the list? Well, okay:

Feels successful
Secure in who he is
Outgoing personality
Wants a partner
Values physical fitness
Loves Emma (my daughter) and my family
Has a nice family
Likes to be outside
Likes to travel

Fortunately for Dan, he met, and continues to meet, every one of these criteria! (He will read this and shake his head while muttering, “Ay, ay, ay!” ?)

I had also been seeing a counselor regularly since the second day of mine and Matt’s separation. She challenged me to face and accept the part that I had played in the breakdown of our relationship. She also helped me begin to value myself and look out for my emotional needs. Although I don’t remember her ever using the term codependency, the behaviors she challenged me to focus on were definitely codependent ones.

I Had Decided Not to Settle

Back to meeting Dan. I was in no way completely healed when I met him, but I had come a long way. And I wasn’t willing to accept anything other than what I absolutely needed because I didn’t feel like I needed anyone else. I was doing great on my own and was enjoying having time to focus on me and Emma. So if someone was going to disrupt that, they better be pretty special.

As I considered starting a relationship with Dan, I was willing to risk being hurt again, but I was going to do my due diligence. I didn’t want to get attached to someone if there were any deal breakers lying in wait, i.e. kids, work/life balance, money management, etc. So I got all those questions out of the way within the first week.

It’s really a wonder that I didn’t scare him off, but I wasn’t worried about that. I was worried about setting myself up for failure and entering a relationship with someone who would not be an equal partner with me. I knew I deserved better than that, and I was not willing to settle for anything less.

How to Be Interdependent -- A Few Signs to Look For

As self-aware Deliberate Thinkers, we can pay attention to these signs of an interdependent relationship that were put together by Jodi Clarke, licensed professional counselor and mental health service provider.

You’ve set healthy boundaries.
Both parties are good active listeners.
Both parties make time for personal interests.
There is clear communication between the parties.
Both parties take personal responsibility for their behaviors.
Both parties have created a safe environment for each other to be vulnerable.
Both parties engage and respond to each other.
Both parties exhibit healthy self-esteem.
Both parties are open and approachable.

Of course, these are not all the components of a healthy relationship, but this list is a good start. Can you spot some of these signs in your relationships? Do you see any particular ones you would like to work on? Then be sure to check out our worksheet, which will help you develop an action plan.

The First Glaring Difference (Revisited)

If you’ve read the companion post, you know that when Matt and I separated, I fell apart, mentally and physically. That was the most traumatic experience I had ever faced in my life. Then, eight years later, I faced what could have been the next most traumatic experience of my life — Dan was diagnosed with cancer, specifically, diffuse large B cell lymphoma, an aggressive form of non-Hodgkin lymphoma.

In hindsight, Dan had experienced constant headaches and acid reflux for a good year before his cancer diagnosis, but these are common ailments, so the symptoms were never connected to anything more serious. But then he started passing out when he got out of bed. He fell flat on his back a couple of times before we decided it was time for him to head to the ER. I was at work when he called to tell me that they had found a mass in his chest. “Okay, I’m on my way.”

The crazy thing is, I didn’t freak out; I didn’t fall apart. As I drove to the hospital, I thought to myself, “This is really going to suck, but we are all going to be okay no matter what happens. And, I’m going to be a better person at the end of it. We’ve got this.” (sign #8)

When I got to the hospital, we spoke to an amazing cardiothoracic surgeon who had been attending to Dan. He told us that Dan had a 7.5 cm (that’s almost 3 inches!) mass in the middle of his chest. He then proceeded to rattle off all the possible things the mass could be a sign of, but I could tell that he knew it was lymphoma.

Again, I didn’t fall apart, as I had during that traumatic experience eight years earlier. I knew Dan would fight with all of his might, and I knew that he wouldn’t be dependent upon me to be his “caretaker.” Rather, I would be his “caregiver,” and we would be equal partners in this fight (as much as we could be). (sign #5)

I also didn’t feel an overpowering need to be in control, as I had in my relationship with Matt. Although I will admit that I went into prep mode a bit: thinking about what we might need to do in the upcoming months, putting together chore lists, making sure we had food the kids could prepare on their own, etc. I guess this was my way of attempting to take control of the situation.

I Don’t Need You to Need Me

I’ve never felt like Dan needs me, and I think that made a big difference in the way that I reacted to his cancer diagnosis, compared to the way I reacted to my separation from Matt. That might sound bad, but I mean it in a good way. I’m sure he does need me to a certain extent, as I need him. But, I have not put the burden of making his decisions and fixing his problems on myself, as I did with Matt (sign #1). I don’t feel like he can’t live without me.

And let me tell you, that is a great feeling. I didn’t realize how much energy I was spending being needed by Matt (whether it was just in my own mind or in reality) until it was over, and I don’t ever want to put myself in that position again.

I love not being needed, which sounds weird, I know. But it goes along with signs #1, 5, 7, and 8. In a healthy relationship, boundaries are set to ensure that each party is supporting the other while, at the same time, taking responsibility for their own actions. Through this support, the parties strengthen each other so that they don’t need each other. This is accomplished by engaging with each other and responding accordingly. The result is healthy self-esteem.

The Culmination of Months of Fighting Cancer

Dan’s diagnosis was followed by months of chemo and radiation treatments and several surgeries. One of the surgeries corrected his atrial flutter, presumably caused by the tumor, which had sent his heart rate over 200 beats per minute when it’s supposed to be under 100 beats per minute! It’s amazing that he didn’t have a heart attack.

All of that was hard to deal with but was par for the course. The most difficult part of the whole ordeal, at least for me, was him losing his voice. The tumor had pushed on the nerve running to his voice box and paralyzed one side of it. He eventually was able to have his voice box surgically altered to compensate for this, but he could not speak above a whisper for about seven months. It was difficult to hear him even sitting right beside him. You cannot imagine how much of a strain that puts on a relationship until you experience it.

That, in addition to the physical stress on his body and the pressure he felt to get better, caused him to start shutting me out. He was no longer allowing himself to be open with me (sign #9) and had gone into a protective shell. Luckily, we were able to discuss it honestly, work through it, and move on.

We’re far from perfect, but we’ve always been pretty good at getting problems out in the open so they don’t fester too long. That alone goes a long way in maintaining an interdependent relationship.

How Do You Become Interdependent?

First and foremost, you’ll have to work on your emotional intelligence. Figure out who you are, what you want out of life, what your values are, and what strengths and weaknesses you bring to the relationship. Hmmm…sounds a little bit like Deliberate Thinking, doesn’t it? ?

Second, you’ll have to be willing to accept the other person for who they are and recognize the strengths and weaknesses they bring to the relationship.

Third, you’ll have to allow yourself to be vulnerable; to take a chance on being hurt; to be imperfect.

There’s definitely a lot more to becoming interdependent, but these three things will give you a kick-start, along with our worksheet of course.

Until next time . . . STAY CURIOUS!