Seems like an odd question doesn’t it? One that might lead you to ask, what do you mean, my “why”? “Why,” in this context, refers to the motivation to take action, of any kind.
Why do you want to lose weight? Get a promotion at work? Buy a new house? Get married?
Next, you may think, well then of course I can define my “Why.” Why would that be an audacious undertaking? Doesn’t sound like a big deal to me.
Well . . . let’s take a look at what the word audacious means, according to Merriam-Webster:
- (a) Intrepidly daring: adventurous, (b) Recklessly bold: rash
- Contemptuous of law, religion, or decorum: insolent
- Marked by originality and verve
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Before I begin to support the assertion that defining our why is an audacious undertaking, I want to assure you that, yes, I do remember what brought you to this post. We are supposed be talking about defining our why for taking care of our bodies, as discussed in my post “How to Energize Yourself Before Taking That Leap of Faith.” And I did create a separate post to discuss that.
But as I started writing that post, I realized that delving into what it really means to define our why will help us as we continue down the path toward our full potential. We will start programming our brains to think about the reasons we are taking action rather than operating on autopilot, business as usual. And what better time than the present. So I made the audacious decision to change tack a bit – HA!
This is Not a One and Done Job
Our motivation, or “why,” will be different depending on what action we are taking. This is not a process we go through once, pat ourselves on the back for a job well done, and move on with life. If we really want to live life with true intention, working toward our potential, it will be a continuous process that influences our daily lives. So yeah, it’s kind of a big deal.
It certainly has been for me. I have a very analytical mind and have worked in a career — having been a CPA for 20+ years — where there is a definite right and wrong answer, most of the time, and a definite end to every project. Since CPAs bill for our time and are under pressure to stay on budget, we are always focused on that end. I have not been trained to focus on the journey. I can tell you, from first-hand experience, breaking away from that thought process is an adventurous undertaking.
For a discussion of how I learned to accept uncertainty, see my post “Confessions of a Safety-Holic — Now in Remission.”
We Have to Face What We Fear Most: Ourselves
Warning . . . This thought may not be suitable for all readers . . . Defining our why will require us to sit quietly with ourselves and really contemplate what we expect from ourselves and from life. No outside distractions, no bullshit excuses, no blaming other people for our situation.
That sure sounds recklessly bold to me. Who knows what demons of our past we are going to dig up. Which is exactly why so many of us go to great lengths to avoid facing who we really are.
To paraphrase something I read in Michael A. Singer’s book, “the untethered soul,” we have all built protective houses of thoughts and emotions that we live in. All our experiences, opinions, beliefs, hopes, and dreams build the walls of this house, and in turn, create the structure for the person we expect ourselves to be.
But what if we discover, after recklessly sitting quietly with ourselves, that building our life around who we expect ourselves to be is holding us back from realizing our full potential? Now that shit’s scary!
We might have to consider a career change. We might have to give up some of the harmful habits that we hold so dear. We might have to consider cutting ties with some of our friends or family, maybe even our significant others. And we are definitely going to have to knock down at least part of the structure of the person we thought we were.
We will have to wrestle with our egos, and, initially, they will be much stronger than us. The ego’s main concern is protecting itself by meeting everyone else’s expectations. If you think it’s not going to put up a fight, you are in for a big surprise.
Not to worry — we’ve got this! Dr. Brene Brown, a shame researcher, writes in her book, dare to lead,
“…when the heart is open and free and we’re connected to our emotions and understand what they’re telling us, new worlds open up for us, including better decision making and critical thinking, and the powerful experiences of empathy, self-compassion, and resilience.”
So you’re in the right place. That’s one of our goals here at The Expectation Gaps — become more aware of our thoughts, and emotions, so we can become critical thinkers and make better decisions.
We are doing this, in part, through learning about and empathizing with others. In return, we will have no reason to fear ourselves because we will have discovered our commonalities.
Good Girls and Boys Do As They’re Told
As we go further into the journey of defining our whys, there’s a good chance we will be seen as contemptuous of law, religion, or decorum. In other words, society’s expectations of us.
We will have to leave some of the expectations we have built our lives around — whether they came from our religion, family, friends, co-workers, spouses, or ourselves — at the door.
Maybe one of those expectations for you is being a stay-at-home mom, or being a mom/dad period. Being the breadwinner of your family. Being a “tough” guy. Being an “emotional” woman. Being a loner. Being an addict. Being straight. Being a faithful follower of your religion. Being the heir of the family business. Being able to sell your soul to the company. Being a good/bad student. Being a good/bad athlete. Being a selfless caretaker. Being a procrastinator. Being the one who has it all together all the time. Hopefully one of these hit home because you’ve got to be sick of reading this list by now.
Not only will we have to leave some expectations at the door, but some of the people in our lives may decide to be left at the door as well. The unfortunate reality is that most people have an undue fear of life, which causes them to see anyone who goes against the norm as a threat.
What I mean by this is, we cling so tightly to the expectations we have built our life around, that we use these expectations to define who we are. And if someone challenges those expectations, we see it as a direct assault on our person.
The unfortunate fact is that some of the people we hold dear may be in this camp. We will need the audacity to accept this possibility and the wisdom to realize that their issues are with themselves — their own fears and insecurities — not with us. (I know, much easier said than done.)
Presumed Insolent
Each generation is given a different definition of what it means to be a productive member of society. Defining our why may lead us to discard the definition my generation was given.
Go to school, get a good job, climb the corporate ladder, make money (the more the better), buy as much frivolous shit as possible. Then…binge-watch TV, drink, gamble, shop, overeat, scroll through social media aimlessly. Whatever you need to do so you don’t think too much about defining your priorities and upset the balance. (Ok, so they didn’t teach us that part; we figured that out on our own.)
As we work on defining our whys, we’ll be learning to think for ourselves, which might lead us to challenge the status quo. And, to a large extent, our society functions by keeping people content and complacent.
Those who don’t conform are often viewed as insolent and are given insinuating titles like hippie, millennial, progressive, or, dare I say, liberal (gasp).
The question is, do you have the audacity to own one of these titles?
Every Why Is a Masterpiece
We can look to someone else’s why for inspiration, but we can’t just copy someone else’s why and apply it to our own lives. If we expect our why to do its job of helping us realize our full potential, it has to be marked by originality, based on our own experiences, talents, vision, and needs.
When we craft our why to our personal specifications, it will indeed be a masterpiece unlike the world has ever known. (Yes, I’m being overly dramatic for effect; just go with it).
Now that we know we can create a masterpiece, we will be inspired to create another. Some will prove more difficult to bring into existence, but we will have that first one to look back on.
Not only will this give us the verve to piece our next why together, it will give us the audacity to adjust our why as the winds of life shift. Remember, the definition we give our why today is not a static; it will change as we develop and grow.
What “Why” Will You Tackle First
What’s in the forefront of your mind right now? What is gnawing at you? Keeping you up at night? Making you feel ashamed?
Now, consider how great it would feel, how much weight would be lifted, if you could just get rid of that gnawing feeling. The potential relief you will feel when you release this expectation that is sapping your energy. Sounds like a pretty good why to me.
Don’t overthink it; commit to it by writing the why that you have the audacity to define in the comments below. You can change the way you see the world; the way your brain filters information. Learning to define your whys, so your brain knows what opportunities to look for, is a great place to start!
After you’re done with that, check out my post, “Own Your ‘Why’ with 5 Simple Steps,” and we’ll walk through an example together.
Related Articles
Links
“dare to lead,” Brene Brown
“the untethered soul,” Michael A. Singer
