How to Stop Being Codependent: My Personal Journey

Benefits: Recognize the signs of codependency.

So That You Can: Shift your mindset, change your behavior patterns, and start building healthy relationships.

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How to Stop Being Codependent: My Personal Journey

You will probably never stop being codependent, at least not completely. I know that I haven’t.

Wow! That’s a weird way to start out a post. Yes, it is, but I don’t want to give any false pretense that I’ve somehow found the magic pill that will cure all that ails you. That pill doesn’t exist.

What I have found are ways to set boundaries, value myself, and trust my instincts. Could you benefit from shifting your mindset in these areas of your life too? Then stick around for a bit as we walk through my personal journey with codependency.

I’ll also be referencing a list of codependent relationship signs compiled by a professional with a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology. So this is a two-for! Insights from an expert plus a personal story. It doesn’t get much better than that folks. ?

Should You Stop Depending on Others?

No! That is not our goal today.

It can’t be because, sooner or later, you’re going to have to rely on someone who possesses a strength or skill that you don’t. After all, we are social animals, and we live in communities for this very reason.

Our goal is not to become completely self-sufficient and never depend on anyone ever again. Our goal is to Deliberately Think about the behaviors and relationship patterns that may be harming us emotionally; the ones that could be holding us back from meeting our psychological needs and, ultimately, realizing our full potential.

An Introduction to My Codependent Relationship

It began in 1991. I was just 14 years old. God, I was soooo young, but of course I didn’t feel that way at the time, when I met the boy who would become my first husband, Matt. (He was 15 at the time.)

It would take years for me to realize that our relationship was a “codependent” one. In hindsight, there were many signs that could have led me to that conclusion, and I’ll get into those. But let’s start with a quick overview of our relationship.

Since we were so young when we met, we grew up together and never experienced any other kind of relationship. In addition, we were quick to move in together, right after I graduated, because we had lived three hours apart all through high school. As couples do, we assumed certain roles, but because we assumed these roles before we knew what we really wanted out of life, they eventually led to our downfall.

Our romantic relationship lasted for almost 20 years. We had ups and downs, as all couples do, but looking back, I think one of the main reasons we stayed together was that we were content, for the most part, and we didn’t know any better.

Plus, we had a lot of great times together. Being in a codependent relationship doesn’t mean that you’re completely miserable all the time. And, it’s very easy to focus on the good things and make excuses for the bad things, which can make spotting the signs of codependency nearly impossible.

Moreover, we had built our lives together during our formative teen years and throughout our entire adult lives. We really didn’t know how to live without each other, and we had developed a sense of family that we both cling to to this day. These are the aspects of a relationship that make it so difficult to walk away from, even when you suspect that you should.

Ultimately, we took each other for granted, became complacent in our relationship, and ended up resenting the roles we had chosen at such a young age. This emotional strain got the better of us, and, toward the end of our marital relationship, we both started becoming the worst versions of ourselves. These worst versions did horrible things to each other, each in their own ways.

A Crash Course in Codependency

Let’s back up a bit and define codependency because you can’t stop being codependent if you don’t know what it is. Interestingly, it goes by several different names, including relationship dependency and emotional dependency, because psychologists can’t even agree on what it is. But there are a few common threads that I’ve found in my research.

Generally speaking, codependency exists when a person links their self-worth to what they can provide to another person. In other words, this person needs to be needed, and their identity gets wrapped up in fulfilling this need. They begin to believe that the only value they bring to a relationship is their ability to help or “fix” the other person.

I like this definition from GoodTherapy:

Codependency involves sacrificing one’s personal needs to try to meet the needs of others. Someone who is codependent has an extreme focus outside themselves. Their thoughts and actions revolve around other people, such as spouses or relatives.

Another thing to keep in mind is that codependency is not relegated to romantic relationships. A codependent relationship could exist between family members or friends, and some say that it can exist between a person and their pet.

What Signs Could I Have Looked For In My Relationship?

Julia Kristina is the professional with a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology who I alluded to earlier. This section is based on a YouTube video of hers; you can find the link to that video at the end of this post.

Based on what I’ve heard and read, this seems to be a pretty comprehensive, easy-to-understand list of the common signs of codependency.

You feel responsible for solving the other person’s problems.
You find it almost impossible to say no to the other person, and you feel extreme guilt if you do.
You’ve become resentful because the other person doesn’t recognize how much you are giving up for them.
You need to feel in control all of the time.
You have a hard time identifying your own needs and feelings because they have become so linked to the other person’s needs and feelings.
You have a hard time trusting yourself because you have given up your own opinions.
You worry that the other person will give up on you if you mess up so you expect perfection from yourself.
You value your self-worth based on your ability to save or fix the other person.
To hold on to the relationship, you compromise your wants and needs and conform to what the other person needs you to be.
You will do almost anything to make the other person feel better even if it puts your health or safety at risk.
You believe that the other person cannot live without you.

Are any of these sounding way too familiar to you? I know the feeling. If so, be sure to check out our worksheet. It will help you sort through this list.

You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby!

As I write this, it’s been almost nine years since Matt and I separated, and I have experienced a lot of personal growth since then. I’ve been working on my Deliberate Thinking skills, and I can see and feel the difference. My codependent tendencies still pop up, but I’ve tamed them a lot.

Testaments to my growth can be found in the ways that I’ve reacted to recent life-changing events, specifically, my husband Dan’s cancer diagnosis and his ensuing battle. I am very proud of how I handled that challenge, and it serves as a means to measure how much I have transformed my mindset over the years.

Which is why I would like to offer my “before” and “after” stories to paint a picture of codependency and to let you know that you can stop being codependent in your relationships too.

The First Glaring Difference

When I could no longer deny the fact that Matt and I would be separating, I fell apart, almost completely. My body was in a state of shock and was doing all sorts of weird things, and my mind could not even begin to imagine how I was going to go on; how I was going to create a new life. I was completely overwhelmed because I had no idea how to live without him (sign #5).

More specifically, I had no idea how to live without revolving every decision that I made around him. Don’t get me wrong. This was 100% my problem, and I’m not placing blame on anyone but myself. But the fact was, I had made every major decision of my life based on what I thought was best for him (sign #1) and, in turn, would be best for me (sign #9).

Now, factoring someone else into your decisions is not necessarily a bad thing if there’s open, two-way communication to ensure the needs of both partners are being met. However, that’s not the way I handled decision making. For the most part, I made the decisions about our life on my own and then proceeded to convince him that it was the best decision for both of us (sign #4).

I realize now that I did this for two reasons. First, I needed to be in control; uncertainty and I have not always been friends (you can read more about that here). And being in control is one way to deal with uncertainty because it creates the illusion of safety and certainty. Second, making the decisions created the fallacy that Matt couldn’t live without me (sign #11). If he can’t live without me, he can’t leave me, right?

You’ll see that the way I reacted when I found out Dan had cancer was completely different. (Well, maybe not completely different, but it was a much healthier reaction.) You can read about that in the follow up post, How to Be Interdependent: My Journey Continues.

I Need You to Need Me

Oh, did I love to be needed. And, oh, did I ever come to resent being needed.

When Matt and I were young, this worked out okay. I’m naturally more of a planner, decision maker, and, as Matt himself put it, my thought process is “. . . a bit linear to [his] zigs and zags.” So I was glad to take on the role of trusted leader, and I wore that badge with honor. Matt was glad to have the decision-making pressure taken off of him and to have someone to guide him a bit.

We were both satisfied in our roles until we really started to mature, in our late twenties/early thirties. That’s when resentment started to build on both sides.

I became resentful because I felt like I was always compromising my needs, while he was never compromising any of his (sign #9). (This wasn’t true of course. He was also compromising his needs to fit into my vision of our world, but I didn’t see that at the time.) And I was resentful because I felt like Matt didn’t recognize all that I was doing for him (sign #3).

Unspoken resentments will strangle a relationship like nothing else can. As I compare and contrast the way I handled our separation to the way I handled my reaction to Dan’s bout with cancer, I realize that there were times when I felt resentful during that challenging time too. The difference is, I voiced my resentment instead of letting it fester.

The Culmination of Years of Codependency

By the end of our marital relationship, my role had morphed into one akin to that of a parent, and I realize now that I unwittingly treated Matt like a child quite often. (I cringe when I think about that because I never meant to.) As parents tend to do, I valued my self-worth based on my ability to help him and fix his problems (signs #1 & #8), and I began to realize that I was failing in that regard. This realization led to me shutting him out, and the fact that my attention had been drawn elsewhere only intensified our mutual frustrations.

My attention, and his, had been drawn to our child, and whether you’re a parent or not, you can imagine how much having a child changes your perspective on everything. The unwanted roles that we had taken on became more and more obvious to both of us, and the resentments continued to build until drastic measures were taken that ended our marital relationship.

How Do You Stop Being Codependent?

Well, there’s no easy answer to that question. It’s going to depend on who your relationship is with and what both of your attachment styles are. It’s going to take a lot of Deliberate Thinking, and you’ll have to be willing to admit your faults and the part you have played in creating the codependence.

I’ve put together a worksheet to get you started (access at the top of the page). Plus, I’ve put together a separate post that includes some tips for dealing with codependency and recognizing attachment styles that I hope you find helpful.

Can’t Find Love? You Need to Read This

Let’s encourage each other . . . do you recognize any of the 11 signs in one of your relationships? Which ones, and what actions can you take today to start building a healthier relationship?

Sharing our stories is the best way we can encourage and support each other, so leave your answer in the comments. Your email address will not be shared with anyone but me, and you can enter a user name if you prefer.

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And until next time . . . STAY CURIOUS!