You’re on the street. A charismatic, familiar person approaches you and says, “Follow my lead, and I will show you the life you were meant to live. But, you have to stop what you are doing right now and do everything I tell you to do.”
Would you do it? Hell no! That bitch’s crazy! What does she know about my life? I don’t even know her.
But actually, you do. We all face this person every day. She’s the one tugging on us all the time saying, “You should do this” and “Mmmhmm…told ya so.”
She’s there when we open our eyes in the morning. And she does her best to influence the first decision we make each day — are we going to take an action today that will get us one step closer to realizing our full potential? Or are we going to play it safe?
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Safety is an Illusion
In the post “Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid: . . . ,” we discussed our instinctual draw toward groups who appear to offer us safety and stability. And we found that the urge to maintain this safety and stability can have a negative effect on the individuals within the group. Now let’s take it a step further and explore how our habitual need for safety may be holding us back — keeping us from becoming our best self.
First of all, why are we so focused on safety? Well, we kind of have to be to survive, right? Don’t get me wrong, safety is not a bad thing. And I’m not talking about physical safety here.
I am talking about the illusion that we can protect ourselves from failure; from being hurt; from feeling shame; and from uncertainty. When we use this illusion of safety as a crutch or as an excuse that keeps us from remaining curious and brave, that’s when we push the pause button on our life and go into sleep mode.
Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise is Trying to Sell You Something
This illusion of safety is sold to us day in and day out by perfect strangers and by our closest family members. Think about how many commercials are aimed at selling us “safety”: commercials for cars, credit monitoring, home security, retirement planning, insurance. All we have to do is buy whatever these protectors are selling, and surely our scoreboard of life will flash “Certainty 1, Uncertainty -0-.”
Politicians design their platforms around selling us this illusion. As we discussed in the post, “Side-by-Side Inaugural Addresses: Trump & Obama,” in his 17 minute speech, Donald Trump mentioned the United States’ need for protection six times. Which tells me that a large portion of the American public is buying the idea that safety exists; hook, line, and sinker.
And then there’s the sell from our family and friends. If we’re fortunate enough to have people in our lives who want to protect us, we will have a really hard time sitting with uncertainty. They will try to steer us toward the safe road of life. Perhaps with subtle looks; perhaps only with the inflection in their voices.
Their hearts may be in the right place, but what they are really doing is trying to sell us the idea that the vision they have for our life is the best one for us. Because they know us so well, they know which road is right for us. If we follow it, we will be safe and sound.
The Day My World of Illusion Collapsed
I’ve come to understand that one of the best things that will ever happen to us will be hidden inside what appears to be one of the worst things. It may sound out of kilter, but the day my world of illusion collapsed was, in many ways, the best day of my life.
This was the day that within a matter of seconds, my whole life shifted; there is now a “before” and “after” and never the two shall meet (if I am diligent). In this “after” life, I would learn to accept uncertainty, whether I wanted to or not.
If you’ve read the “About Me” page, you may know the day I am referring to: the day it became undeniable that my then husband, Matt, and I would be separating. It was somewhere around 2:00 a.m. on Sunday, December 5, 2010. Yep, that part is etched in my memory. Along with the paralyzing feelings that left me barely able to function. First they caused me to faint, then cry and scream until I had no voice left, and then throw up until there was nothing left inside me.
Then, completely drained of everything that gave me life, I had to try to deal with the agonizing unrest. The emotions that make your skin feel like it is crawling and like you might be lifted out of it at any second. And all you can focus on is one thing — the uncertainty.
Check out the companion post, “Are You a Safety-Holic? 10 Eye-Opening Clues“
Okay, Let's Back Up a Bit
We’re talking about the illusion of safety here, right? So why are we talking about the death of my marriage? Because it is the event that cast a bright light on my lack of coping skills; my inability to deal with uncertainty.
The choices I had made so far in my life were, for the most part, safe choices that had directed me toward certainty. And now, suddenly, every aspect of my life was uncertain. The safety net I had created had weakened at the seams.
A significant portion of my safety net was pieced together in 1993, when I decided I wanted to become an accountant. I was in 10th grade, and it was time for my class to tour the county’s career tech center and decide if we wanted to attend a course there the following year.
I visited the class that encompassed accounting where the instructor talked about how much certified public accountants (CPA’s) make, which sounded like a lot of money to me, and what they do: work with numbers, solve problems, put the world into nice little boxes. The prereqs for the job were in my wheelhouse, I could make a good living, and it sounded like a stable (i.e. safe) industry. Perfect!
Yet, I remember my inner voice trying to tell me, “No, that’s not what you’re supposed to do.” I didn’t listen; I took the safe route and began to pursue my accounting career in the 11th grade. I knew I could succeed on this route, and my mind was made up.
Then came the time to choose a college. At that point in my life, I hadn’t ventured out into the great big world much. I had attended the same school from kindergarten to 12th grade, was part of a graduating class of about 95, and had lived in the same house since I was born. So when my gut told me I should go to a “big” state college, I decided not to listen and chose a small, private, business college an hour away from home.
There were many reasons I chose this school and many ways I convinced myself that they were good reasons. But, I have to admit, one of the main reasons was the illusion of safety. All of the classes were in one building, so I could easily find my way around. It was in a city I was at least somewhat familiar with. I was not living on campus, so I didn’t have to go through the uncertain experience of being paired with a roommate. Yep, I took the safe route again.
What else should I use to expand my ill-equipped safety net? Marriage of course. I was 14, and Matt was 15 when we started “dating.” We “knew” pretty early on that we were going to be together “forever,” and I took that quite literally.
We moved in together right after I graduated from high school, and we got married right after I graduated from college. We were together a total of 19 years, and during that time, my inner voice tried to steer me in a different direction several times. I can only assume his did too. But it’s very easy to convince ourselves that we are on the right track by focusing on the good things and making excuses for the bad things.
Plus, I was carrying on a legacy; at least in my mind I was. You see my parents (who are still together by the way) had met around the same ages as we had. How cool was it that I had found the same love they had? What a great story! It must be meant to be.
Safety You Bastard
For all those years, I had faithfully served safety. Don’t get me wrong, safety had served me pretty well too. I have enjoyed being an accountant, for the most part, and it has made me a good living. I had a lot of good years with Matt, until one day it just wasn’t good any more.
I don’t regret the decisions I made. But I realize now that I wasn’t really living, and I was definitely not working toward realizing my full potential. I was merely surviving, settling.
Then, in the early hours of that December day, safety turned its back on me. No, it didn’t just turn its back, it fled the scene.
I didn’t feel safe outside of my home — too many “happy” couples out there. I didn’t feel safe inside my home — too many ghosts of the past in there. I didn’t feel safe going to work — too many fears of disappointing my coworkers with subpar performance. I didn’t feel safe facing people — too many fears of seeing the pity in their faces.
Everything felt uncertain. I didn’t know where I was going to live, how we were going to divide time with our daughter, or how in the world I would ever be able to date anyone. I was 33 and had never dated anyone in my life.
Heck, sometimes I didn’t even know if I was going to be able to keep breathing from one moment to the next.
Learning to Love (or at least accept) Uncertainty
On the bright side, safety’s departure forced me to accept the fact that I can’t control life by checking off all the right boxes. It led me to decide that from that point on I would make choices with intention.
I clearly remember driving along one day, after the dust of the separation had settled a bit, and feeling so proud of myself. I had made it through to the other side, and I felt like I had come out a better person, an emotionally strong and compassionate person.
I remember thinking, if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything. I go back to that moment often, when I am in doubt. When I feel like I want to reach for safety’s familiar touch.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to fully accept the feeling of being uncertain, but I continue to work on it daily. And I’ve learned that in those moments of uncertainty, we are truly living. To be alive means to feel emotions and embrace experiences. Not just the good ones — all of them.
Here’s a little secret, if you can learn to sit with anger, and sadness, and disappointment, you will be able to fully appreciate peace, and joy, and hope when they come around. And you will feel them on a much deeper level.
What Choice Will You Make?
When you open your eyes tomorrow morning, will you decide to hold safety’s hand or run alongside uncertainty? Neither answer is right or wrong, but keep in mind, at some point, safety is going to let you down.
Uncertainty will as well, but at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you tried. And once you get through that setback, you’ll have more courage to run alongside uncertainty again. The decision will be easier and easier to make each time.
Me, I’m running with uncertainty. I am writing this in January, the beginning of tax season for us CPA’s, and I recently let my bosses know that I will be leaving the firm in April. Uncertainty and I are going to work on speaking our truth through this Organization and see where it leads.
It’s been a difficult decision to make, in some respects, but my inner voice has made it known, pretty clearly, that this is the path to becoming my best self.
I hope you’ve found something in my words that you can connect with. If so, we would love to hear what it is in the comments. And if not, we would like to hear about that, too.
Please consider leaving us a comment to share the “safe” choices you have made and how they may be holding you back.
There is no better way for us to understand ourselves, while also fostering compassion for others, than taking in the heartfelt words of someone who is brave enough to speak their truth.
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Great article Amanda. This reminds me of times when I have been forced to step outside of my friendly comfort zone and do something “unsafe.” One of the main examples that come to mind for me was moving out of state. There was a lot of risk and uncertainty, but I have become so much more professionally than I ever would have by staying and I would never have met my soon to be husband. The risk taking really made me better and I hope I continue pushing myself to continue to grow.
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